I find I do my best thinking when I can look at the things I am wrestling with from multiple angles. That’s what I hope to do here. My ideas and opinions might change, they might not. I wanted to start a blog because I have a lot of ideas and I am tired of not having any space to work them out. Also, I am just millennial enough to think my opinion is worth something and the world is better off having read my thoughts. I need space to work out my thoughts in a manner that is healthy. Otherwise, I am fearful that I may turn into someone that I can’t live with. You know the type; cynical, melodramatic; a person that has an opinion about everything. I was walking that very fine line for quite a while. I don’t want to be that person. I hate that person. We all hate that person. I think it because that person can overtake all of us. I’m stronger than that. I’m going to find ways to work around my circumstances.
Where did my fear of speaking out come from?
I’ve asked myself questions like this for too long.
It is time to get to the bottom of my insecurities.
I’ve always appeared to be a confident person. Keyword appeared. That was all an act. I have been, for most of my life, paralyzed by self-doubt. I have built quite a toolbox of items to make sure not many people ever see the doubt I have in myself. At times I feel like I have been acting my whole life like I have been living this part that I can never get just right. I am no more than a method actor struggling to keep up with my method as I have grown and evolved as a human. Imagine having to re-define your identity at every stage of your life.
Middle School, a new identity.
Youth Group, a new identity.
High school, a new identity.
It never stopped.
I never felt prepared to move into those important life events. I obviously did; life does not stop. But I feel like I missed out on some of the magic of those important times of my life. I never embraced the moments I knew I would never experience again. I fear that still happens today. I wish I would have spent more time living in the moment. Now I fear I will wish that forever.
It’s time to move past that.
So I’ve started a blog, now what? This blog is my space to talk honestly about the things I feel I have never been given the space to talk about. I am at a point in my life where I can no longer respect myself as a man if I remain silent to the thoughts and emotions I process on a daily basis. In order to be the man, husband, and father I want to be, it is time for me to get honest with my emotions.
It’s time for me to stop lying so easily.
I have always felt more comfortable lying. I’ve lied far too easily for far too long. I finally realized how much of a liar I was when I realized I was lying to myself the most. It was so easy. I could tell myself anything and then I could live in that reality.
For a while.
After a while, I felt as if I was living my own version of Inception. I created false worlds in my mind and then allowed myself to become immersed in them as if they were real. In these false realities, I was successful. I was confident. All of the things I wanted to do, play music, write, be a comedian, they were all true and real, in my mind. However, at some point, reality inevitably sets back in and there I went, using all of my creative energy to create another world to live in, temporally, until I was forced to create another world due to the current one collapsing.
It was exhausting.
My hope in creating this space to write is to give time and creative energy to work out the ideas that I have brewing inside my head. Some ideas will be well thought out, some won’t. But that is not the point of this space. The point is to give space for my creative energy to thrive.
I’ve written my first blog post, now what?