Who am I?
Where do I belong? Why does the search for my identity continue to plague me at various points throughout my life? Am I always going to question my place in existence? (I hope not, it is exhausting.) What am I missing? Am I broken? Am I incomplete? Where did I go wrong?
Why do I have so many questions?
I’m sick of questions. They keep me up at night. They break my spirit. They don’t allow me to be present with the people that mean so much to me. The questions keep me from moving forward. I am stuck convincing myself I am more than these questions, but the questions are all I can focus on.
I want the questions to stop. I want to be confident.
My questions continue to get in the way of my confidence. They cloud my vision. They make me angry. They turn me into the worst version of myself, the version I despise and wish was not a part of me. While I continue to succumb to the weight of my questions, I am moving to a point in my life where I have to say, “Enough.”
I’ve had enough of the questions. They are not helping me get anywhere. What I am now starting to see is that my questions are exposing the tension that life naturally brings each and every one of us. I am not being singled out by life or being tested by some higher power. Questions, doubt, struggle, all of these are part of the imbalance we humans create when we ignore the important things that make us who we really are.
I am not the only person with questions about the direction of their life. Nor am I the only person that has ever felt incomplete.
In my case, my questions expose the reality that I have not committed myself to anything substantial in a long time, maybe ever. Even just saying those word, I have anger towards myself. I hold two degrees, both from exceptional institutions, and I did not invest enough in either of them. I have lived in two amazing cities, New York and Los Angeles, and I have not invested enough in either of those cities. I have been given so many opportunities, and I have yet to invest in any of them. I no longer am willing to risk not investing in things that really matter to me.
I am no longer willing to risk losing out on the joy that comes with investing in life.
My time at Michigan State could have been better. I should have invested more. Fuller Seminary gave me a chance to do better. While I did invest in small groups and some extra circulars, I did not invest enough in my education, my studies. The things I was being exposed to and was learning should have been coupled with my passions to help me embark on making them a reality. During my time at both MSU and Fuller, I ignored the important questions I should have been asking. I should have been asking questions about my passions and how I can bring my passion to life through work and daily life. I ran away from these questions and now realize how disappointed I am, at myself.
Because I did not invest in the important questions during the formative times in my life, I am now piecing together a broken mosaic of mismatched pieces from various memories and experiences. I imagine myself sitting in a room and all of the dreams and memories I have created are laid out in front of me. When I look at them, I see a shattered mirror. My dreams reflect me, but the picture is distorted. I can see some resemblance to me in my dreams, but they are no longer clear. Does this mean my dreams are no longer me?
Great, more questions.
The truth is, my dreams are me. But this is the hard truth, I let some of my dreams die. I also killed some of my dreams. This is not my fault. This is part of life.
My dreams got me to where I am today. I owe them more than I am willing to admit. An important life lesson for me right now is knowing that I will dream more dreams. I will live more life, and, I will encounter more questions.
That’s just living life.
If I want to continue to grow, and I do, I really only have two questions to answer, “Do I want to grow or do I want to stay the same?”
I want to grow. So I guess its time to face the questions.
It is time to be at peace with my questions. And also, I can ask different questions. Maybe asking such hard questions of myself is part of my hang up. Maybe if I spent some more time with my dreams, both new and old, I will start to regain a stronger sense of my identity. I think it is also time to move away from, “Maybe.” “Maybe” is part of the old me. I can do better than “Maybe.” But it’s up to me to make the change, to face the questions. That’s the tension. I know that moves and changes need to be made, but am I really willing to put in the work to get there?
I’ve answered that question with an emphatic, “Yes!” I guess that means its time to get to work.